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Rebecca!

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(no subject)	[Sep. 4th, 2009\|10:44 pm]
Goodness. I'm really proud of myself. like 4 months ago, and for most of my life before that, I was in a constant state of panic. Overly, constantly anxious. Today, I was a little emotional. I just thought about how much I love Deepak and how much I'll miss having him always within arm's reach. And how much everything he does for me matters. I've never had anyone do so much for me. He and his whole family have like picked me up and pushed me in the right direction. Teaching me how to drive and cook, and just helping me grow up over all. Their family is so big, it's like a miniature society, and I love all of them, and being a part of them. And things are just falling into place for me. Magically. Within a week, I found a place to live, I found a starbucks to transfer to, and I was gifted with a motherfucking laptop! My 20 year old, biochem major, stariving ass student best friend in the ENTIRE world, whom I also happen to LOVE, got me a freaking laptop. And yeah, it's not like it's a spanking new Mac, but I'm never giving that thing up. Now all I gotta find is a car, and take my driving test. If i don't pass it this time, I have to start ALL over again. permit and driving test, plus the 293572983759283 hassles that go with it. So, I'm passing that shit! How do you fail? You bump into anything with your car or break any driving laws? I just have to be hyper-vigilant about using my blinker. and be extremely obvious about looking at my mirrors and blind spots. And be overly aware of the speed limits and bike lanes and.......stop for like 20 minutes at the stop signs. and take turns verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly. I mean, if I fail I might shoot myself because it would mean I was a horribly pathetic person :( I want to do something really sweet and amazing for deepak's family. but I dunno what really...thier dad is like my uncle-- not really concerned with gifts that cost money. he doesn't want anything that isn't 100% useful. he doesn't really want to be taken out to dinner. I thought to bake cakes non stop and paint some nice still lifes and write a nice note. Seriously, they've basically like adopted me. I cried when deepak gave me a laptop! I almost cried again today cause I was thinking about how amazing everything has been. I had to bury my face into deepak's tummy and gather all the sensory info that I could. i dunno I'm less anxious but not less crazy. there's just something about skin on skin contact that is calming. like, ok, he's here. I know this person, they're here, I'll rememeber this feeling later. You know, even though I found another sbux job, I was getting pretty interested in finding a totally different job. Like at Urban Outfitters or something. I'm not sure I'm cool enough for that though. I mean, I don't look like a really awesomely cool street kid who is deep and knows the meaning of life because I've smoked crack out of a cat's asshole. Or something. ........ It would be a nice change of pace. I'll still apply for on campus jobs and see if i can get something more sociological. I mean. Life is all about proactivity. I can freak out and think the world is ending because life isn't set up in a way where i won't have to lift a finger and it'll be awesome. Or I can set goals and decide what i want and not only hope for that but make as many back up plans as possible. Like, I wanted to live on campus and just eat cafeteria food and live with 20 something year old kids with more than likely half my maturity level. But that didn't work out so I panicked for like 20 minutes and debated over going into hella debt, or just toughing it out and paying rent off campus while living in a teepee with strangers. BUT THEN my uncle told me I have realtives who live down the street from school and I can just chill with two old people who have hella tats and pay 100 bucks a month for not only my own room, but my own bathroom too! AND I freaked out cause I called every starbucks on the planet and no one wanted me, so I started job hunting downtown, only to be called a few days later and finding out I'd be on the SCHEDULE at a store in capitola. And then I realized I was just about broke and had money for nothing but a car, when my boyfriend shows up with a laptop and I have all the tons and tons of weight lifted off my shoulders. Also, I have another car prospect, that I'm hoping to who know's what it will pan out. And if it does, I'd get the car for a steal and will just have to worry about a few little things to maintain and a big ass dent to bang out. PLUS, I won't even have to deal with it! Deepak and his dad will do free labor on my car, and I'll just have to buy the parts and thank them for the rest of my life. GODDAMN. I'm really lucky that things are just working out so well. I just have a few more details to figure out. Within a few more weeks I'll be in a total different place in life. And I know that with everything we have been through and done for each other, and everything we've said and we feel and know and mean, that a few miles and some homework won't be a thing. I seriously could try to imagine the future, but I never think of anything half as good as it actually turns out. there is way too much to life to be able to speculate. there are too many possibilities and I have no idea what any of them will really be like. I mean, 6 months ago, I was lightyears away from where I am now. I was crying over tiny worries. I wasn't worried about real problems, much less dealing with them. And when I have actual important things to deal with, I don't have time to play out dramas in my own head. I'm straight GROWING UP. and doing things with my life. adult things. like fucking writing checks! dayum. I'm gonna call dr kline tomorrow at work and schedule a last meeting. I want to show him how far I've come. and how infinitely better I'm doing. I think he'll be really happy for me. Maybe by the end of tomorrow I'll even have a car! who knows!
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(no subject)	[Aug. 10th, 2009\|02:19 pm]
I think 19 is going to be a good, good age for me. I have all my money for my car saved. I'm just waiting for deepak's dad to get back from Fiji. then I'll have a month to get used to driving completely on my own. I have all my classes set up, i even know who my roommates are. I hope that we can figure out how to furnish everything. l hope someone has silverware and plates and pot and pans. or that we could all split the cost of those types of things? The district manager from santa cruz called me today! she's going to help me find a new store! I'm really hoping for a very near by one. but a commute wouldn't be so awful. i really need to have a job waiting for me there..... I learned how to cook one of my favorite indian dishes! I just have to learn to make tofu and soybean, but deepak can teach me. My mom and Kerry broke up. which is pretty sad. even though she got way too into the relationship and put EVERYTHING else in second place, i was glad that she at least found someone. But I've been spending a lot more time with her now, and it's really good. she lost her best friend because of Kerry, and really made her relationship with me and xavier rocky. my birthday went amazingly. deepak made me breakfast-- pancakes and coffee. and we went to a movie, and we went out to dinner. I got special bday treatment, we got dessert and an extra dish free! then all of deepak's cousins and one of his friends and ernie came, and we had a little party. then the next day my mom took me out to breakfast and shopping. then yesterday we went to a bbq at ernies. supposedly he's going to move out soon... I'm really looking forward to school. and a little worried, but i can only control so much of the future. I think me and deepak have a good enough relationship/foundation to be long distance for a little while. and we'll both be wrapped up with school and work and the year will go by fast. and hopefully this time next year we'll be looking for an aparment together, and both be at UCSC.
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(no subject)	[Jun. 30th, 2009\|07:22 pm]
its motherfucking july. ive been on summer for over a month. almost have enough for a decent car. still learning to drive. the 20th was deepaks bday, and his sister threw a huge party for him with all his cousins and family. then the next weekend was his cousins wedding. so the past couple weeks I've been hanging out with his extended family non stop. AND THEY ALL LOVE ME. and i love them back. all deepaks grandparents and uncles love me cause I'm vegetarian and know how to dress indian appropriate. and all his aunties are so pretty and always smiling. his cousins and sister are all awesome. it was a little overwhelming at first to meet like 20 hindians who don't approve of boyfriend/girlfriend/kids having sex type of relationships. and I mostly tried to act like just his sisters friend. which isnt hard cause we are friends. and I love all his girl cousins. his birthday went really well. and he just ordered the springs to lower his car. next step is a paint job, and some body work and rims! his shit will look nice and last a few more years till he's a doctor with a muthafuckin M3. and a falali. a lot of his family was like, so when are YOU guys getting married? and they call me his dad's daughter in law! and deepak gets really freaked out. I guess I would too. I probably just dont get how serious they are. and for the most part I think were just waiting the like 8 or so years till we're done with school. and 8 years is a while, so. I really need to get serious about knowing how to drive within a couple more months. be able to drive safely and smartly on my own. long distances. and figuring out how to cook on my own. mostly just getting used to it. and making sure I'll have enough money to pay for insurance and gas. oh! and getting that starbicks job. fuuck. I need to do that soon. I wonder if applying at the end of july will be too late. to get a job at the end of september? I also really need to get back to the gym. the Y by my house is so fucking gross. it smells so nasty in there. and its tiny and insanely expensive to join. the one in EPA is brand new and has 3 levels and tvs in front of all the treadmills. I guess I should just get a yoga dvd or something and just go to the gym with deepak when I can. I'm starting to feel bad cause he is driving around tons. and he applied for a new job in a hospital! i'm sure he'll get it. but its almost half an hour away, like his school is. so that's a lot more driving. I'm still not panicking. but i bet i will once mid august comes. or something. i just have to focus on the more important aspect of school and moving on in life and growing up and doing well for myself.
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oh man.	[Jun. 11th, 2009\|10:16 am]
I feel pretty cool and confident about college and going away, until I have to like, set everything up and figure it all out and do insane things to make it solid and real. Like I just applied for housing. And it threw me off. I'm living in Crown College. I don't remember really wanting to live there. I wanted college nine and ten, so I could live in the International housing and meet cool ass people around the world. But I guess crown was at the top of my list somewhere? I really don't think it matters much where I live as long as I get an apartment. I really have to get one. I really wish I didnt have to feel so totally alone in figuring this all out. my mom has been no help at all. and the way she does attempt to help is acting like I'm a retard and don't know what I'm doing and asking me really unhelpful questions. Things are just continuing to go down hill with us.maybe she's spending so much time away from home that she'll get used to not ever seeing me and be prepared for when I'm actually not at home instead of just ignored. Or get used to not having to be a parent anymore, even though xavier is still young. I don't understand how she can think once I'm 18 I'm not an adult, but not her kid. I'm like somewhere inbetween where she won't have to take care of me but won't have to respect or acknowlede me either. which I bet is nice. And I guess it's good for me too to get prepared to be "on my own." I was just kind of hoping that my last few months of living here would be like, pleasant and that my mom would put in some effort to spend time with me and crap like that before I move out. I wonder if I'll be allowed to live at home over breaks and summer. Maybe I can stay at Deepak's. I'm so so so much more apart of thier family than mine. I help cook dinner and do dishes. I rearranged thier living room with his sister. I help thier dad fix up the house. I'm tight with his sister now and his dad likes me. and so do all his cousins and aunties. I haven't been panicking and freaking out about moving. I got kind of upset yesterday. And I'm kind of waiting for me to lose it. It'll be his summer vacation soon. and then only a few more months. I'm looking forward to it though. I just hate that. I can't seem to bring everything I need into my life. I have a job and a boyfriend. I have school under control. but I still haven't gotten my own friends and things suck with my mom, but at least are good with my brother. And once I'm at school, I'll have a job and the best school life I could ever hope for. And I know I'll be able to find and make friends. But i wont have my family or Deepak as much. I guess all I need to do is relax and know/hope that our relationship is strong and we can adapt to any changes. and we won't be THAT far. Just like an hour, like from here to SF in bad traffic. And I'll have a car. And no curfew. I still need to figure out my job. I have to get my transfer sheet done so I can work at a starbucks down there. and I think I'll only get a work study job if I find a super cool one that has way better hours/pay. Or maybe I'll have two jobs. I really hope space opened up at the dowtown starbucks. Plus now I kick ass at my job, so I'd be an awesome person to hire. way back when I hated my life, I loved change. cause I knew it could only improve things. But now that I'm fairly fucking happy, it makes me nervous. I'm sure if I can get constant reassurance from deepak that everything will be fine until I move, I'll be okay. And I'm hoping that once I get to school I'll have too much going on to stress myself out. That's what's going to happen. I'm just waiting for these next few weeks to pass so deepak will be done with his finals and we can start having non stop fun. and I know that over all moving away will be good for me in every way possible, so I just have to focus on what will be good for me in the long run and not what makes me anxious now......
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(no subject)	[May. 26th, 2009\|12:34 pm]
yes. i finished my paper at 11:30 last night! I wrote the majority of it yesterday, and did bits and pieces these last few weekends. so i didn't procrastinate as badly as I could have. I feel that I did pretty well. but i know if I spent more time on it, it would be like, amazing. if i just made better transitions and tied things together more. so, yes! I did my art final, i got 38 hours in fitness so i for sure have As in those. I finished my creative writing too, hopefully an A there. and now I just have to go to school on thursday to present my paper and do my yoga final. then I am officially DONE. I need to start finding things for myself to do this summer, especially between now and the end of june when deepak gets out. hopefully after this week once everyone finishes finals I can call around and rebuild some neglected friendships. and start reading tons and working tons and possibly car hunting. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the library or something. i'm just glad the semester is over and I pulled it off at the last minute. hopefully with only one B in soc and the rest As. Maybe if I had gone to class more and done mroe of the write ups i could have aced it. Also, I'll sign up at the Y thats like 3.5 feet away from me so I stay fit, or possibly get more fit. I think the only major thing I did was improve my posture and start running a mile every once in a while. slouching and over arching my back too much made my stomach look fatter than it really was. and now that i have better posture it looks way better. and i probably haven't even gained much mucsle mass. now i just have to occupy myself for a month and then I can really start my last amazing summer at home.
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(no subject)	[May. 18th, 2009\|03:26 pm]
even though pretty much everything in life is right, sometimes it just feels off, and i feel unhappy. I woke up in a good mood this morning. but then deepak called and someone tried to break into his house! so that sucked. then he came over and i made him some toast and tea. i guess sometimes we're just in different moods and we don't mesh together as well. and that throws me off and frustrates me. and also we've been hanging around his family and my brother all weekend, so we don't have as much "alone" time. or we'll be too tired or i'll have to pee really bad. i guess maybe that's why i feel a sort of distance or cooling off. then i've been thinking about moving away, and what if we just grow apart? we'll get too busy and just stop needing each other. or find other people. i know that if that did happen it wouldn't be as painful as it is to think about, but it still hurts to think there is a possibility for that. when we were at the concert i felt the best out of the whole weekend. and the closest. I guess i just depend a lot on the physicality a lot. it keeps me attached and attracted to him i think. and also it's our anniversary next weekend. and we both have to work! i thought we both requested it off though. then I'll be done with school. but deepak wont be for a month. so i guess its just a combination of things on my mind that leak out at the slightest imperfect second. and i've been insanely tired lately. like i get out of bed, be awake for an hour, and feel tired. after getting a good amount of sleep. and my mom is just deciding to no longer be a parent at all. she wasn't home a single day last week. she went to kerry's on mother's day, she was with him on monday instead of being at work. she did take me to santa cruz tuesday, which was nice of her. wednesday she was gone. i think she was home thursday, but was being shady and i fought with her. friday saturday sunday gone all fucking day. and i try to spend time with my brother and not leave him alone the whole time, but i want to have a weekend too, not just try to be his fuckin mom. supposedly my uncle will talk to her. i just have a lot to do this week and i'm so unmotivated. i have to like fight and force myself to get my shit taken care of. i wrote a little of my soc paper. got a good outline and introduction going. i just have to write it and include hella sources and back up my points. and i finished one make up art project. i have until thursday to do another one. and monday for my paper. i also have to do my creative writing final wednesday i think. and get a few more hours for gym. i think soc will be the only class i might get a B in. possibly yoga too. ive also just been physically not so good. i break out in these crazy rashes somtimes. and my face is like bumpy. it's never like that. i guess its the heat or something? the doctor also said it could be an allergic reaction. but i want to know to WHAT. and my shoulders and neck hurt like always. and my toes, like the joints or web of my little toes on one of my feet feel cramped and stuck and hurt. i guess most of it is because of bad posture and standing and walking a lot. i just can't wait for school to be over and for the summer to really really start and for all my problems to go away. but now it's like really the end of the year. and soon i'll be at santa cruz. i wish i could be 100% excited. but i'm more like 60%excited and 40% terrified. and i just hope i can cope with being long distance. and not just break down and sabotage things.
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(no subject)

[May. 6th, 2009|01:15 pm]

My mind feels like a clock.

Every second it jumps and jolts,

Keeping track

Counting down

Every second.

Maybe like a clock on a time bomb,

Tick-tick-ticking itself toward oblivion.

Unless I can cut the right cord, at the very last possible moment

And be the hero who saves the world from exploding forever.

I don’t really know if I am the hero though.

I feel more like the villain, who plants the bombs

And frantically, gleefully watches every second pass

Until it all goes off.

maybe i never did stop being suicidal and self destructive. because i am lately feeling like anything that i try to do on my own, i just fuck up. and everything that i try to do for myself, i dont take seriously enough, and also fuck that up too. anything good, i inadvertantly one way or another kind of ruin in, without even knowing until much later.

i have 19 days left in the semester. I need 22 more hours at the gym. i still havent done much for my paper. i go to my writing class like once a week, and i'm missing projects for art.

and now im panicking.

this semester could have been so easy. i could have gotten a 4.0. i could have been so calm and relaxed and stoked about everything right now. but im stressing that i might not pass my classes, and i have to do so much for myself to take care of getting set for college. it's so so so so so so so much pressure. and even if i were a normal person who wanted herself to succeed at life, It would still be a hard easily fucked up process.

i dont feel ready to have my whole entire life in my own hands. i wish someone else could just do it for me.

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faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack	[May. 3rd, 2009\|08:19 pm]
why, do i always feel like I have nothing to do, until I realize I have 8,000 things to do, 5 minutes before it all needs to be done? could someone explain that? maybe i want to ruin my life and give myself a heart attack. i should have been looking for scholarships this time LAST year. I should have been getting all my school stuff organized and pass all my classes the last like 4 months. godgodgod. dont let me ruin my own life. well, I'm going to do FAFSA tonight. only like 3 months late. and i have all summer to figure out money and scholarships. and i met my goal of saving a thousand. but i still can't drive. On thursday, i was driving out of a parking lot. and i bumped right into the most expensive BMW you will ever see in your life. I was pulling out, and he was driving past, and i saw him, and he honked and i didnt break and I hit him! and left a mark! then i was about to cry, and shit my pants, and pee my pants, and throw up, and kill myself. but the guy was just like, whatever, I'll just buff it out, and kept driving. so that was the day i met fucking JESUS in a 7 series. convertible. also known as a car that is easily 100k. that guy could have ruined our lives. but he's jsut gonna buff it out. and deepak didnt even yell at me. but i still cried. and i dont think i'll be driving for a while. i'm so dumb for that. i thought there was more room, or that he would stop or keep driving. i dont know what i thought, but it was wrong. and i mean, with so many fees and shit i have to pay for, and all the polluting i'll be doing, i almost dont want a car. almost. except when i see how inconvienent it is to not have one. goddddddammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. there's jsut too much to do. when i went to dr kline's on friday, he told me that i pretty much just fuck up my own life. i dont sleep enough and make myself exhausted all the time. i dont get things done and taken care of so i can succeed. ugh. when will i fucking have my life together??????????????
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(no subject)	[Apr. 29th, 2009\|04:38 pm]
hmmm. Tomorrow, I will get paid. Hear back from berkeley, not like it really matters, and! finally see deepak. I have to have to have to go to the gym tomorrow! To get my hours, and to stop being a fatty. I think pretty much all semester, I have miss like one class a week. that's so bad! God this semester has sucked. I really hope I didn't ass fuck myself and ruin my GPA and get rejected by UCSC for having crappy grades. I won't. cause it isn' an option. I just have to put in some gym hours, and write a killer essay. which I know I can do. That's what I'm gonna do friday. Dr Kline's, and then maybe lunch with deepak and study and research and money hunt all day, till the PM. and then we'll party. and saturday I'm not sure what I'm doing. I have work in the middle of the day so that gives deepak time to study. then sundays will be lame as usual, with deepak having a crappy shift that takes up his whole day. then I'll only have like 25 dyas left of school! Jesus. I wish I could promise myself to go to every single class for the rest of the semester. but I'm so good at talking myself out of things I should do. I mean, unless I HAD to go to work at 4am, I wouldn't. but i'd get in so much trouble for no calling no showing. And I mean, if I fuck up this semester, I could fuck up my LIFE by getting my admission taken back. which is SERIOUS. but it's like, more indirect I suppose, in a way. I wish I had better self discipline. but I'm so tired. I'm going to get up and go to class tomorrow. and work out too. and have a good day and do everything right. I'm so fucking tired! but, I finally feel that I'm good at my job. and I can only get better. people let me be on bar by myself now. and my manager is always freaking out about the good things I do. I dunno man. It would be cool to stay at sbux because I'll keep my pay rate and I know how to do it all. but it might be cool to find another job. especially one on campus, and one with work study.
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(no subject)	[Apr. 27th, 2009\|11:29 pm]
wow. so i was looking for a landscape that i need for art. and that sent me looking through all the old pictures I had from way back in the day. like. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back. it's so strange to see old pictures of myself, to see my art and the things i photographed. it's just strange. even more than reading my writings, because there's this whole other level, of like, seeing my art from the outside. ( here are some: ) it's just weird to literally SEE how messed up i was, and just what was in mind or, more like what came out of it. it's so different to see my artwork. it means something totally different to look back on. I never saw how much blood and violence was really in it. its always nice to look back and see how much happier and saner i am. and to see the 100% change in my fucking face. in my art. it's weird.
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i dunno man.	[Apr. 27th, 2009\|03:28 pm]
I've been so worn out this semester. I don't know if I'm legitimately tired, or if I'm just lazy? It's always so hard to get out of bed. Every morning I get up to go to work, I'm like. I never want to be up this early in the morning again! Even when I get like 7-8 hours of sleep. I only have a month left of school! I really need to get my shit together and get all my hours for fitness and write an awesome paper. It's ridiculous. I never used to miss classes and slack off this much since like high school. At least I only have one real final. I just have to make sure I pass my fitness class. I did not work out at all like I should have. I don't think I'm anymore fit than when I started it. Maybe I can't really manage working and schooling so well, especially since work takes a lot of energy out of me and school isn't that serious. I'm starting to get overwhelmed with all this college business. I don't know where to look or who to talk to about figuring out how to pay for it all. maybe I should try to meet with a ucsc counsler? I'm finally gonna meet with dr kline on friday. i think it has been like a month. I think you know you aren't that crazy anymore when you and your therapist kind of bore each other. then after I'm going to study till deepak gets off work, and we're gonna go to his friend's bday party. And I'll also get paid this weekend! It'll be my first check with my raise. so I'll have my car money by friday! now all I have to do is finish learning how to drive and take my test and get insurance and find a car. I want to buy some coll little converse and paint them. so i have full ocverage shoes to wear. and maybe dye my hair again cause it's getting fadey. but I dont really like to dye it. I never fully understood the process of how people get eggs, and that if the egg were left alone with it's mom, it would be a real chicken. so stupid. so i don't know if i really can eat eggs. I've eaten fish like, twice since I went veg. so i dunno. NOW i understand why hindians dont eat eggs when they dont eat meat. full on vegan is just too hard. unless you're really responsible and careful about it, you could like starve to death. end up living off cliff bars and apples. i can't eat another cliff bar for the rest of my life. maybe when I get to college. 4 weeks till I'm done with stupid JC, and i've been with deepak for a year! then only 4 MONTHS till I'll be a college student and officially on my fucking own. yeesh.
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:)	[Apr. 24th, 2009\|01:01 pm]
been reading and chillin at home. i even cleaned my kitchen and did laundry and baked! I'm very domestic today. and kinda sick/allergies. only a few weeks ago I got sick too. hmmmm. well i got stuff like how I am now, and tried this nasal rinse thing that made my head feel on fire for like a week. so not doing that again. Hopefully I'll get better on my own soon. it isn't that bothersome though. all i have to do today is go to work for a few hours, and then i'm gonna have dinner at deepak's house. I love eating there. we had a really good day yesterday. more than anything he's just really made me undestand what love is, and what good relationships and good people are. it was our 11 months! next month is officially a year. pretty cool. it doesn't even feel that long. and then the mogwai concert we're going to is on the day we met, a year ago. I don't really like that so far in this relationship, I'm the more fucked up and problem causing one. but at least he can deal with it and forgive me and cares about us enough to not just get annoyed and give up. and he feels like i do enough for him to make up for it. even though lately I feel i have been slacking in the being a good girl friend department. but i'm really looking for ward to summer. and I should be really busy right now trying to write my research paper and find scholarships and loans and such. and fairly soon I'll have enough to buy my car. tomorrow we're gonna drive to tracy and visit chee! we haven't seen him in a while. I hope it isn't insanely hot and that all the steaming cow poo messes up my allergies anymore. yep. it's gona be a good weekend i believe.
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same as always	[Apr. 21st, 2009\|08:25 pm]
i always have the same motherfucking problems. always the same. ohh i don't like my family cause of this and that. and oh deepak doesn't have enough time for me, and i hate school and I'm bored and I need friends and a hobby and more money and I can't figure out the future. what the fuck do I need to be doing differently? Mostly I think just to grow up. and learn how to handle myself, and do things for myself. and i think it is just time to get out of the fucking house. it took me so much less than 18 years to figure out that I'm not really compatible AT ALL with my brother, and I only get along with my mom when I do exactly what she fucking wants and act and be exactly how she wants me to be, and not have any opinion that deviates from hers. I've known for so long now that college would be THE place for me. it would be where I could finally be happy and figure things out on my own. both because it'll be really really fucking hard, and because I'll have the independence I've always needed. But just getting there is going to be a challenge. surviving the summer with my family, getting through school, which there isn't much left of at all. figuring out how to pay for everything and just figure it all out, by my fucking self. because for more than one reason my mom just can't andor won't. and doesn't even pretend to be sorry. I think now, and over the summer, I really need to figure myself out again. being happy myself like I used to be able to do. I made myself really, really alone for years. and I was more or less ok. I didn't really hate being alone. I had things to do with myself. Like reading and painting and writing. I need to do those more. I was okay with solitude. maybe making little friends, but mostly I want to just get okay and secure with my fucking self, so that I'll be ready to be alone in a totally different way. and so I can figure out how to deal with things, and be able to make friends and adapt and be okay with whatever happens to me and deepak. And jsut be my own person finally. And I dont know what I need to do to get along with my family. just ignore my brother and do whatever my mom wants for the 5% of time I am home? I know I should be nicer to my brother. But I just think that we've been through too much for me to really be able to tolerate and like him. which sounds really horrible. but honestly when you've fought with someone for your whole life, you can't just out of nowhere get along and forget everything and be best buddies. maybe after I've been away from him it'll be better. And as for my mom I really don't know. we've also been through alot. and we always seem to on some level get over it and be able to get along again. probably a lot of repression that just comes out when we get mad, and then we repress it again to get along, and save it up for next time. I guess whether I actually fix anything or not, soon my problems will be totally different. oh also, I havent seen dr kline in like. A month. it's been a really long time. And I haven't really tried to figure anything out. Maybe I should.
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pshhhahhhuhmmm?	[Apr. 15th, 2009\|08:14 pm]
Mamma. Sometimes, you juss shady bluuuud. Like honestly. When it comes to money. over the amount like 5 bucks. She is just not the person to go to at all. Once she gave me ten bucks because IN PASSING I told her I only had like 3 dollars to take the bus for the rest of the week until I got paid. next friday. She's so miserly. And not even shameful or humble or gentle about it. I would never in my life ever ask her for any form of financial help. Because like I get it, she kinda lives pay check to pay check and she doesn't have tons to give. BUT NEITHER DO I. I spend SO much of my money on other people. Pretty much anytime I get something for myself I get something for someone else too. I bought Deepak's sister earrings and little tikkas (those forehead dots for hindians). I bought them a laundry basket, a pillow for the meditaion room. I guess I don't really get much for my mom and brother. but I took them out to breakfast. and I hook my mom up every time she comes into my work. and her drink is like 4.35. I always buy things and spend my money on other people. what i don't save, I spend pretty much on deepak and his family. who are pretty much more caring and tolerable to be around than mine. AND SHE'S MY MOM. Like seriously? Be real momma. She was getting mad at me and thought I was dumb for not accepting my offer of admission right away. and I'm still waiting to hear back from another school! that's a good reason. plus I'll know in like 15 more days! and it's BERKELEY! and I kinda know I probably won't get in, but really? she's trying to make me feel dumb about it. And now that I did what she wants she's like, I didnt know there would be fees! no one told me that! why don't they take visa?? where does it say that? I hope you save money for books because I can't pay for that! and do you expect me to pay for everything? I didnt even really ask her, I was just trying to figure it out, because both of us have visas and I just figured she could write a paper check and I'd give her cash. Like, hello I've paid for books for the past YEAR on my own. And actually, I didn't expect ANYTHING of you, because you dont do SHIT for me. Yeah I get to live here, but if I'm not home when she washes clothes or "cooks" dinner, I don't get either. I actually dont really eat here at all. I can't ask her for ANYTHING. like what's the point of having a mom when she's like this? Like occasionally she'll buy me food. and she gives me a ride to work when it's pitch black at 4am. unless she's staying the night at some fucking mighty mouse lookin white guy's house and won't be back until ten. AM. the next day. And I mean, I just got my tutoring check, AND my tax return, AND i'm getting paid tomorrow. plus deepak has a mastercard and I'm sure HE'LL help me. I just wish she were less of a greedy person and had more humility and dealt with being kinda broke in a way better way. Like, come ON. when I have 3 dollars left for the bus, and 10 in my checking, you know I'll buy deepak some school supplies with my last ten bucks. He, and even his family, are so generous. His dad makes me the BOMBEST ass indian food, his sister is awesome. He's teaching me how to DRIVE. he buys me food and makes me sandwiches. and drives from his house, all the way to my house, at 4am, just to take me a few blocks down the street to work so I don't have to walk. His dad is even gonna help me find a CAR. Like jesus man. Maybe I'm not generous enough with my own family. but my mom is so shady sometimes. I mean, me and deepak bought her ballin ass earrings for xmas. and I bought her a BLACKBERRY for her bday. And I know I'll do SOMETHING nice and expensive for mother's day. I just don't know sometimes man. I get i need to learn how to be an adult and be on my own, but I dont think her fucking jewmiester bitchy ass stingy greedy rude attitude is necessary. And what else is there do to on my own? pay rent? I feel really bad that Deepak doesn't like my mom, but I get why. she doesn't do anything mom like. I guess she's just worn out you know? but she could still be nicer about things. she just isnt a loving kind touchy feely person. she's like the opposite.
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hmmmm	[Apr. 13th, 2009\|02:12 pm]
back at school.... didnt have to work this morning so that was nice. :) and I just realized, that by the end of this week, I'll have like 80 million dollars. I'm gonna get HELLA tips, cause I worked so much. And my tutoring check, AND my massive starbucks check. Sweet. I'm gonna help deepak get some tints for his car. and I want to get some plain white converse and paint them. and maybe even new summer dresses and shoes. and save for having to pay for the college fees and of course my honda. and i saw this awesome ad for mascara with sparkles in it and there's one in purple! even though mascara probably isnt very good for your eyes and the sparkels could scratch my retina. and I'll just be able to save A LOT. cause I spent way too much money over break buying shit for people and going out to eat and such. It'll be good. and this week I only work a couple times in the morning, and it isn't even that early. on saturday i think I was at work from 4 AM till like 1pm. it was not fun. I'm pretty sure I worked over 40 hours over break. AND I'm gonna get my 6 month review and I'm pretty sure my 90 cent raise! Oh yeah. So, I have to say I'm pretty happy with life. I think I spent too much time with my family over the break though because we started fighting hella again. I can't believe april is half over! in the next 2 weeks I'll know if I got into berkeley or not. which I'm not really expecting to. at all really. but you never know. I dont even know how I would decide where to go if I actually had that option. Im getting confused already. I'm hoping that since I have a clearer future, and that I had a nice break with an enlightening experience and also since I only have like a MONTH left of school, that I can get fucking SERIOUS and just do everything I need to do and not hate on life or be tired and lazy. I need like 40 more hours at the fitness center. and I CANNOT miss yoga anymore. and I MUST start my research paper for soc. I might be like a B student this semester. well I know I'll ace english and art. maybe get 3 Bs though. which wouldnt help my GPA or impress anyone. especially since the classes are EASY. maybe I can pull off an A in fitness and Soc. Hopefully. and I'll just look like a fat girl. getting Bs in fitness classes. I slacked off way too much for the majority of the semester. also. i dont really want to tutor anymore. but dont tell anyone.
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(no subject)	[Apr. 9th, 2009\|01:33 pm]
I'm about 87.3424% sure that me and my brother will never get along. and as soon as I am not forced to live with him and see him all the time, I just totally won't and we'll just become even more total strangers as we get older. There are a few theories I have about why we are just not going to have a normal sibling relationship. But I've decided that when/if I have kids, I'll hope for twins of the same gender. or at least have them really close in age, and possibly the same gender. and I want them to fucking LOVE each other, and be each other's best friends for fucking life. that's my plan. I want them to be really really close. I mean I guess my mom doesn't get along well with her sisters. and deepak gets along fairly well with his siblings, but they aren't best friends.
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(no subject)	[Apr. 4th, 2009\|05:22 pm]
well besides me being tired, and somehow my ankle hurting. I feel really good. Yesterday was quite an experience. I don't know how long it will last though. I realized about a million and a half things yesterday. And it probably was good that I ate about half an eighth and deepak ate a bit more than an eighth. because I got to feel like the one more in control. And I didn't get any visuals, but he did. So, first we were fixing his bathroom and started to get really body high. then we were out in his front yard and he was pacing around and I was just thinking about stuff. I feel like we talked about a lot. And learned a lot. Like I told him about how he's always so sane and so fucking RIGHT. about everything. and I want to be pissed at him but I can't be. and we were thinking about how his whole life is just in progress. his house, his plants his school. his fucking beard. everything. then he was laying down on his couch tripping out over the celling. it's one of those ones with texture and also sparkles. And when we were outside we were watching a tree being blown around by the wind. so he kept making wind noises and pushing my face with his hand, like i was the tree. and at that point, I was feeling the least good. his house was really out of order and I wanted to lay down, but I wanted to lay with him but there was no room. so I was on the floor for a while. then I finally just decided to lay ON him. which turned out to be a really loud experience. he was just really loud about things and I just wanted to be really calm and quiet. then we finally went to lay down in his bed, and that was when I felt the best. it just felt soooo good to lay down and be warm. and we kept playing around alot. and he was always saying i was all in his grill. we talked about that earlier too. and I would purposely annoy him, and he would get loud, and I would hide. and then we would kiss and smile at each other. Then I was thinking about what we were going to do when his sister and dad got home, and how we couldn't lay down anymore. which was all I wanted to do in life. and I was jsut really really happy. because all that anyone wants is a nice, decent place to exist in. somewhere to eat and sleep and pee. and I had that with deepak and that's all I needed. Before I was getting a little overwhelmed by how loud he was being, and kind of aware and annoyed at how i was always in his face and being really needy. and he was saying that sometimes he just wants to do things that make him happy not involving. and I understood that. oh yeah so I was thinking about how all people need is space to be in. and I was thinking about how everyone is looking for someone to love, someone to find themself in, and someone to love themself through. in way. if that makes sense. and I found that. I felt like me and deepak were the same person. and he could go places and do things and have thoughts and I shouldn't get jealous cause they were all mine. and if he wasn't always with me it was because he couldn't be. And I just felt like we were one person. And I was thinking about time in a different way too. in a completely continous way. that there were other things before and there are things later, but it's all at once and all the same but where am I NOW is still the most important. like everything had happened and would happen and was happening. and I could see all of it at once. and mostly I was just really happy and always smiling and laughing at everything. so eventually we got out of bed and I went home to change and we took my brother out to dinner and watched fast anf furious. and my mom called me and told me I got into santa cruz, and I pretty much coudln't comprehend or handle it. so basically, I couldn't have asked for a better day. now I'm just waiting for deepak to shower then we'll get some thai food and have a cozy evening at home with each other. I just get more, that. I don't need to be sad and mopey and emo about things because he loves me. and we have each other. in a way that not many other people could say about thier "significant other." And now that I've for sure been accepted I can get my shit together and push myself in the right direction and focus on doing well and getting everything settled for next year. I was also thinking about how everyone just needs goals in life. and things to do to occupy them. maybe they really matter, or maybe we just do them to keep us sane. it's just important to have things to do with your life.
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(no subject)	[Apr. 3rd, 2009\|11:23 pm]
mmm. got into santa cruz........................................................................................................................................... mushrooms are weird. I'm going to sleep now.
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(no subject)	[Mar. 25th, 2009\|01:21 pm]
IT'S SPRING IT'S SPRING IT'S SPRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Ahhhh. I can't wait for hot ass summer days and getting a tan and walking around half naked all the time. I used to hate hot weather, but I'm growing to love it. On deepak's birthday, it was just HOT. like you're in an oven and will be cooked soon. but it just felt so gooood. to feel the heat just SURROUNDING me. I can't wait to spend 99% of my time at the beach. with my man and some 40s. in our sexy beach bods. the beach is our PLACE. it's where we met, and where we spent a lot of time when we first got together. almost a YEAR ago. dayum. the weather today put me in SUCH a good mood. Man. I bought myself some new flip flops cause my old ones were so grimy. and they were barely even shoes. my new ones are more platformy-ish, so my feet will stay cleaner I hope? and a cute dress and a new little tiny purse that can't evcen fit my big ass wallet in. So no hair cut. When I get paid though? SNIPFUCKINSNIPPPP. I was trying to budget my money so I'd have enough to do something nice for deepak and ernie. I did buy him a cool mug he wanted, and Jo, ernie's mom a bracelet. So that counts. Now I'llhave enough for the bus the rest of the week and maybe like dinner for me and deepak. and hopefully for the bus till tuesday when I get tips again. Apparently for spring break I'll be working 27.5 hours. But it's not like I'd have much else to do since Deepak's break is at the WRONG TIME. and I need to start doin research for my 10 page soc paper. I'll FINALLY have dr. kline's on friday. I wonder if he feels bad I have no time for him anymore. and then I guess I'll jsut chill dowtown till deepak is done with his final. then it's the fuckin weekend and party time. And I'll get all his undivided attention cause he won't have school anymore! heheheheh. I wrote a little poem for creative writing about spring and summer. I think the only thing that could make me life better, is hearing from the UC's! Too bad I have like a MONTH longer to wait. I almost don't care if I get in or not, I just want to KNOW. It's annoying. I'm like 85% sure I'll get santa cruz though. A lot of middle college people did, so I probably can. and Joshua didn't even finish high school and he transferred in. So I think I'm ok. I hope. If not. I guess I'll just chill until winter semester and reapply and maybe like save homeless people or something and do community service to look cool on paper? And uh kill myself and everyone who got in instead of me. But once I know, all I have to do is paint some shit, do yoga, work out, write a paper and then I'll be on fucking summer vaca with an awesome future ahead of me, and a sick ass tan and flat tummy. And A's. And a wonderful boyfriend. I'm thinking that it might actually be nice to visit ernie in tracy a lot. really hot, and empty and peacful and animals. and good food. it might be a good escape. I dunno yet though. hmm. future is lookin GUUUUUUUD. if only I knew a bit more....
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(no subject)	[Mar. 16th, 2009\|03:49 pm]
guh. I never have: enough weekend, enough sleep, or enough money. So far I'm disgustingly estatic about getting to sleep in on saturday. and I got my tutoring check, woot. and My mom came to my work this morning and gave me money. she asked me to get some quarters for laundry and she'd pay me back and I was like, uhhhhhhh. I can't... I have like 2 dollars for the bus tomorrow. and am getting my tutoring check and tips later on....... so that's cool. I'll deposit my check after i tutor more peeps and then order my phone. and I'll get a nice fat check and heeeluh tips to hypothetically live off of? at least I don't have to open much anymore. and everyone's been telling my manager I've improved TONS. so thass coo. work is really enjoyable when I know i'm kicking ass but I feel like punching everyone including customers in the face when I can tell I'm sucking. march is more than half over! nexy week is ten months of curry munching. then his spring break, my spring break, a few weeks left of school then finals and our one year, and a mogwai show and then summer. i HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE TO fucking work out tomorrow. then maybe bfast after work on weds, then it will be thursday and the week will be over. and at least the weeks go by in a blaze of half awake half bitchiness. and next week will be way better, the following week even better, and the one AFTER, spring break. AND. I drove to the beach in half moon bay, and got my first A in driving! all those windy skinny one lane roads? I fucking aced that shit. I still suck at keeping a constant speed and changing lanes. I'm getting better though. Maybe I'll need to give myself more time till I can actually be a for real driver. probably will be longer than a few more weeks. but by then I could have my appointment made, maybe my car insurance and registration stuff all squared away, and my money. I'm averaging about 20 hours a week now, so that will really help. plus tutoring money, but only once a month. I wonder if I can really afford insurance though.
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